Monday, March 28, 2016

THE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS THINGY




This post is not about the movie we've all watched starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. 

Well, just a tiny bit about it. 

A friend of mine was telling me about a new guy she met last month. She's totally into him but the problem is that the guy has a girlfriend back home and he just wants a ''no strings'' relationship with my friend. 

Hell no! I didn't even wait for her to finish her gist and I cut her short. I don't know what is wrong with ladies of this generation. 

It is either we are suffering from low self esteem or we don't just cherish our bodies any more. 

We don't care if a guy is responsible or not. All we want is to remain in the background like criminals and yet we keep flagging the feminism word around when we are not even ready to play our part. 

By the way, to those of you who don't know, "friends with benefits'' is actually a relationship whereby two people agree to be together basically for just s*x and fun. They have no intentions to get emotional or attached . 

Most times, one of the parties involved already has a partner who is faraway or not just available at the moment. Other times, they are both single but not ready for an emotional attachment.

In my friend's case, the guy in question is already in a long distance relationship with someone else and no doubt deeply in love with the girl. 

He simply needs another companion in his present location to satisfy his s*xual needs and when he is done with whatever he is doing in his present location, he'll go back and reunite with his babe.

This post is actually dedicated to all ladies who are about to enter a dangerous relationship knowingly or unknowingly.

I'm not about to forcefully stop you but I just want to give you a piece of advice as a friend should. 


Yes, sometimes we move away from home and leave our cherished partners behind, hoping we would reunite with them really soon but sometimes it doesn't happen the way we plan. 

We promise we would remain committed and faithful till we get back. We think we can actually survive the separation.

A few months later, we are haunted by loneliness and crazy s*xual urges. Then we begin to look for alternative solutions to our predicament and this brings us to the topic of the day. 

Keeping a long distance relationship could be a strenuous thing to do but I think if you truly love your partner, it would be worth it. 

It is not reasonable to have someone who adores you and still chase after moments of pleasure with a total stranger who clearly doesn't even care about you. It doesn't make sense to me. 

There is a popular saying that a '' bird in hand is worth two in the bush'' and I totally agree with this proverb.

In this case, it means that your present partner is yours, and isn't going anywhere unless you let him or her go. 

But if you leave him or her and chase after " the two in the bush," there is no guarantee you'll catch them. You might end up with nothing in the end. 

This is exactly what happens with most ''friends with benefits" relationships. You go into it with no intention of hurting anyone; you don't want your boo to ever find out about it and at the end it could get really nasty. 

You could find yourself at a crossroad; contemplating whom to choose because you've fallen in love with two people or you're probably left heartbroken because your current bed mate has chosen his faraway girlfriend over you.  


I had a friend  once who got involved in this type of relationship with a guy. 


He treated her badly because obviously they had an agreement and his mission was to get her into bed and vanish. 

She was aware of his real girlfriend and therefore didn't have the right to question his actions or movements. He never gave her any presents even on her birthdays or on special occasions. 

He also did not send her romantic texts and she wasn't even allowed to call him either. He only called or visited her when he needed s*x. 


He was just plain selfish and irresponsible but she couldn't leave him because according to her the s*x was so good and she couldn't just dump him for no reason. 

The end result was that he got married to his faraway babe and my friend was left heartbroken and bitter.




Ladies, generally don't know how to separate their emotions from s*xual relations. The more they sleep with a guy, the closer they get to him.

Even when they would have originally despised this person, s*x sort of blinds them and they easily fall in love with the current person they are sleeping with. 

Guys on the other hand, have no problem with this; they can easily sleep with a lady and move on without falling in love with her. Sounds unfair right? 

Yeah, and that's why most times, guys are usually the initiators of this type of relationships.

My advice concerning the friends with benefits thingy is don't do it ; it is not worth it and it only leads to heartbreak. 

If a man wants you, I think he should be brave enough to woo you in the proper way. He should be proud and happy to show you to the world as his Girl. 

If he isn't ready to do all of that, it simply means he is keeping you secret for the sole purpose of having fun and dumping you later.

I've never heard of any successful ''friends with benefits'' relationship before and even if there are, I'm sure it was just mere luck.


Finally, don't be greedy and chase after other birds in the bush when you already have a caring and romantic one at hand. 

Just stick with what good things you already have, instead of going after something you'll probably never get. I know it's kinda harsh but it's the plain truth.  

If you've found someone who really loves you and you're deeply in love with him or her, why risk it for nothing? 

Maybe you think there are better options outside and you're not done exploring? 

Even if you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket, s*x shouldn't be the main theme of entering another relationship.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE



This is about a young man who gave up his life for his people. A man who was selfless and faithful till the end. A man who never stopped believing in his Father. Even though we weren't worthy of his love, he still showered it all on us. His name is Jesus. This man lived a holy life throughout his stay on Earth and the only thing he got was unbelief and persecution. Sometimes, I wonder why He laid down his life for sinners. 

He sacrificed himself for the same people who continue to persecute him everyday. Why did He do this for us ? He didn't do it just for the fun of it. No, He shed his blood on the Cross because he loves us very much. His love is unconditional. No matter what happens; his love for us never changes.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

10 WAYS TO MOVE ON AFTER THE LOSS OF A SPOUSE



I was speaking with a dear friend of mine a few days ago and I asked him why he hasn't remarried since his divorce. After a few seconds of hesitation, he looked at me and said "Honestly Jennifer, I'm scared". 

Immediately, I heard those words, my heart went out to him. I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know where to start. I couldn't claim that I understood how he felt because obviously, I've never been married before. 

I couldn't imagine the amount of pain he was going through and i found it quite difficult consoling him. I couldn't associate with his feelings of loneliness and melancholy. 

Friday, March 18, 2016

THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME

   




 As a kid growing up, I always dreamt of watching the dark sky dotted with bright stars every night. I usually climbed to the roof of my parents' home with my dog and just gaze longingly at the moon and stars. I imagined what life would be like in those other worlds. I was sure people who lived there were always happy with each other. I attempted several still life and imaginative drawings of the sky full with stars. 

I used to draw pictures happy families with their neighbours on their cute little farms. I even drew a version of my older self playing soccer with my friends. These drawings either ended up in my trash can or on the wall in my room. I was simply fascinated with this glorious view and I hoped that when I grew up, I would find a way to touch the sky; just to feel it's texture. I silently wondered if the sky was made up of silk or cotton  maybe even wool. 

THE BEDROCK OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE



I started writing a book last year and I sort of lost my inspiration to finish it. It's not like I gave up on my book or anything close to it.

I guess I'm looking for my muse. It just kinda disappeared and i hope I'll find it soon. 

The book is actually a guide for both singles and married couples. It gives an overview of all the ingredients needed to have a happy and successful marriage. 

A lot of couples today just get married because they like the idea of throwing a glamorous bridal shower or the thrill that comes with organizing a sophisticated wedding.

It's simply for the fun of splashing colours here and there and wearing expensive attires. 

In their haste to get married, they forget that marriage actually begins after the wedding; when all the guests and family members have gone and it's just the two of you. 

Other couples get married as a result of unplanned pregnancies, in order to avoid scandal in the face of their church members. 

Barely 6 months into the marriage, they start looking for a way out of the mess they created. 

Still yet, a few others get married because of the financial gain that comes with marrying wealthy people. 

They use their poor family background as a reason for marrying someone they don't love. 

The list of why people get married is so long that I can't exhaust it here. But of course that's not really my focus today.

This post is basically for couples who are struggling in their marriages, couples who feel lost in their marriages, couples who can no longer stand each other and especially the newlyweds. 

Happy marriages don't just happen; they are built. You can't just sit down and watch your marriage fall apart without doing anything. 

A strong marriage isn't magically created when you say " I do". It is built on a BEDROCK of precious stones. 

These precious stones are rare to come by but if you could just grab a few, I'm sure your marriage will experience bouts of happiness and success.

WHAT ARE THESE PRECIOUS STONES?

1. God and Prayer: 


These should be the centerpiece of every marriage. When there is God in your marriage, you can move mountains and of course prayer is the master key. 

Every family that prays together, sticks together. Seek the face of God with all your heart and he'll see you through your challenges.

2. True Love and Commitment


This is one of the most important stones needed for a marriage to thrive. When you love someone deeply, you will do everything to make that person happy. 

This show of love and affection brings two people closer to each other. It makes you committed to the welfare and growth of the other person. 

In return, this other person grows strong in love and begins to reciprocate this act of love. Love and commitment are like solid foundations that every marriage should stand on. 

Without true love, your marriage becomes a melodrama full of pretence and routine.
3. Mutual Respect: 

Most couples tend to overlook this precious stone in a marriage. They assume that being married gives them the right to violate each other's privacy. 

They feel respect is no longer needed since they are now one and therefore equal. I must remind you that even in marriage, respect and privacy are needed. 

You are not supposed to raise your voices at each other or even hang out your dirty linen in public as a way of solving issues. 

Even when you quarrel, mutual respect has to remain in your home. Avoid name calling or insulting words during quarrels or arguments.
4. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is very essential to achieving a happy marriage. When one person hurts you and you can't forgive him or her, the relationship becomes strained. 

You simply walk through the marriage like everything is cool when actually you're slowly starting to resent this person. 

I would advise that you resolve every quarrel amicably. You're not supposed to go to bed angry with each other. Every little problem should discussed, analysed and solved in a mature way.





5. Honesty and Trust

Honesty, of course they say is the best policy and it applies to even marriage. 

It is required in every aspect of your marriage; this includes finances, the kids, your job, your friends and even your activities within and outside your home. 

We all know how lies have intensified with the introduction of mobile phones. 

Couples deceive each other knowingly and this leads to dishonesty, fights and distrust in relationships. 

In order for your marriage to succeed, honesty and trust are greatly required.
6. Communication

When you communicate with your partner, it makes the marriage smoother and stress free. 

When you're angry, worried, sad, or happy about anything, endeavour to tell your spouse about it. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind and just know what to do to make you happy. 

He is obviously not a magician or a mind reader. You have to actually communicate your feelings to your partner so as to avoid future misunderstandings.
7. Friendship: 

When love fades and you have nothing to hold on to, friendship can keep you going until you fall back in love with each other. 

With friendship, you can get to know each other again and actually enjoy spending time with each other instead of avoiding each other. 

Those special moments you share together as friends help you become closer and the bond remains forever.
8. Selflessness

Being selfless means putting your spouse's needs before yours. It means seeing him or her as your top priority in life. 

You're not happy if he or she isn't happy or successful and you try your best to make him or her achieve their goals. 

You actually show care towards your spouse's welfare. Putting them first and seeing them happy also makes you really happy.
9. Regular S*x

If I don't include this one, then it means I'm hiding the truth from you. S*x is vital to every marriage not just for the mere fun of it but because it bonds two people together. 

The more you have s*x with your partner, the closer you feel to him or her. S*x creates a powerful connection and shouldn't be misused. 

Ladies, especially, use it to manipulate their husbands. They could even deny their husbands s*x as a means of punishment. 

Whatever the situation, s*x shouldn't be seen as a chore. It should be fun and exciting. Both parties have to be mutually satisfied in order to avoid promiscuity.

10. Hard work


Every relationship or business requires hard work and so does marriage. All hands need to be on deck for a marriage to work. Couples need to participate fully in order to enjoy a happy marriage. 

All the work shouldn't be left for one person; it should be equally divided among partners. 

If the work is not mutual, success would not be achieved. Efforts should be made to remember birthdays and important occasions. 

With hard work, all the precious stones will be found and kept in their respectful places to ensure a successful marriage.
11. Patience

You will need to have patience in order to find these rare stones and piece them together. It wouldn't be easy and the search won't last for a few minutes. 

It could take you months before you're able to forgive someone and fall in love with him or her again. 

Only patience can keep you hopeful for tomorrow. 

Don't give up on your marriage; put in all your energy to make it work and with the right ingredients, you'll take your marriage to high places.



Monday, March 07, 2016

MY FIRST LOVE



 
I remember every single detail about him! His smile, his laughter, the colour of his eyes and even his fragrance... I still remember it all after so many years. Yeah, I was deeply in love with him. How did we even meet? I'll tell you.

I met him at the Arts quadrangle one Saturday afternoon. My room was too noisy and stuffy so I decided to take a walk. I hurriedly wore a plain white shirt with brown shorts and stepped out of my hostel room.

The sky was clear and beautiful; it seemed the sun suddenly lost it's zeal to shine. I walked past the Ekpo Convocation hall with no sense of direction. I just wanted a quiet place where I could be alone and clear my head. 

My heart felt so heavy but I couldn't trace the cause of this heaviness. I wasn't having any problem with my grades or my family. Everything was splendid as far as I knew. 

Then I remembered the Arts Quadrangle in my faculty and I hurried towards it. I was disappointed to find someone else there; I had thought it would be completely empty since it was Saturday.

Nevertheless, I sat down slowly behind the stranger wearing a red T shirt, blue jeans and red sneakers. The walk had eased my heart ache a bit and i even felt lighter than I was before I left my room. 

The stranger seemed so preoccupied with his phone when I walked in that I didn't have a chance to see his face. So I sat behind a faceless stranger, thinking about my life.

Suddenly, I heard "hi there" and I wondered where it had come from. Then I looked up and saw the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen; they were large and full of curiosity. I wanted to say 'hi' but I had lost my voice all of a sudden. All I could do was stare at this beautiful creature.
Then he said " My name is Charles, and I'm from Imo state". When I said "I'm Jenny from Benue state", my voice sounded like I had borrowed it from a cockroach. It was a mere whisper and I silently wondered if he had heard me at all.

After two hours of chatting with Charles, I stood up to go and he offered to accompany me to my hostel since it was getting dark. After saying goodbye to him, I practically ran up the stairs to my room with my heart beating loudly in my ears. I was filled with joy and I felt so alive! I was sixteen and a boy had finally asked me out on a date! How thrilling! 
On our first date, he took me to Jives; a nice joint outside school. That was my first time visiting the popular "Jives". We talked and laughed a lot. By 9pm, he dropped me off at my hostel. The other dates were awesome; they were different in a special kind of way.

The first time we kissed, it was like magic; it was indescribable! I think I was floating because I couldn't feel my legs at one point. He was skillful with his lips like he had been taking kissing lessons after school. I felt on top of the world; finally, I had experienced the awesome act called  "kissing".




The rest, of course is history. We became best friends and then lovers. He made my world go round and round and round. When he was around, I felt whole and when he was gone, I looked forward to our next meeting. I couldn't start my day without hearing his sweet voice and he was the last person I talked to before I went to bed.

When he graduated, life suddenly became unbearable. My days felt empty without his presence. Gradually, his calls became less frequent. He became so busy that he no longer remembered me. I tried keeping in touch but it seemed one unforeseen force was bent on keeping us apart. 

One day, he called to tell me that he couldn't continue with the relationship anymore. He wanted to face his career and I was a distraction to him. It was a blow to me!

I couldn't believe he would ever say that to me after all the love we shared. I thought our love was going to last forever! I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. How naive!

I spent the next month soaking my pillow with hot tears. The love of my life was gone. My soul mate had deserted me!! I was all alone in my world. I had no one to share my sorrow with. My world had crashed and life was no longer fun.


6 months later, I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and moved on. It's been 5 years and it feels just like yesterday. 
The few guys I dated after him, seem so out of place. They never seem to understand me or love me the way I want them to. Maybe I've locked my heart out of the fear of getting hurt again. 

Or maybe I keep meeting the wrong men. Sometimes, I miss him and I secretly wish I could see him again. Other times, I wonder what had become of my first love! I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all. I just wonder...
Do you  remember your first love? Do you still keep in touch with him or her? 


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