Thursday, March 24, 2016


I was speaking with a dear friend of mine a few days ago and I asked him why he hasn't remarried since his divorce. After a few seconds of hesitation, he looked at me and said "Honestly Jennifer, I'm scared". 

Immediately, I heard those words, my heart went out to him. I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know where to start. I couldn't claim that I understood how he felt because obviously, I've never been married before. 

I couldn't imagine the amount of pain he was going through and i found it quite difficult consoling him. I couldn't associate with his feelings of loneliness and melancholy. 
This post is actually an effort to reach out to him in my own little way and also to connect to others who may have lost their loved ones either through divorce or death. 

In Nigeria, the word "divorce" is scarcely used. This is due to the fact that a lot of us have the ability to endure in any situation we find ourselves. Even when our marriage becomes a living hell for us, we don't budge. 

We prefer to stay and work any challenge we are faced with. So when you meet a Nigerian divorcee, you don't know what to say or what to do to console him or her. You just fall short of words.

Death, on the other hand, could be seen as a normal occurrence in life when it happens to people we don't know. But when it snatches our loved ones away, it becomes a heavy blow to us. 

It may seem like a dream and you could be in shock for a while. Until you see the corpse lowered into the ground and covered with soil, you are not convinced that this person is actually gone. You can't imagine life without your partner and you're forced to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and move on. 

What if you don't want to move on? What if you're scared that you will never find someone special again? What if you eventually find someone else and you lose him or her?
These are possible questions that could be running through your mind. You don't want to take chances and instead you decide to remain alone forever. Is that even possible? 

Even the Bible says that "it is not good for a man to be alone". You could try to be alone and see where it leads you but a few years after, the unbearable burden of loneliness hits you. You realise that you can't remain like this forever. 

Eventually, your kids will leave the nest to establish theirs and there won't be a soul to talk to. This is the time to pull yourself together and appreciate the beauty of life.


A journey of a thousand miles, they say begins with a single step. Don't worry over anything, just take the first step.

1. Get Closer to God

He is your refuge and he will never forsake you. In Matthew 11:28-30, He says " Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest". 

If you seek him with all your heart, you will find him and when you make your requests  through prayer and supplication, he'll answer you. You can also get close to God by becoming more involved in the church, reading your Bible regularly, sharing the word of God and winning souls for him.

When my Dad lost my Mom, it was only the Word of God that kept him going. Even when he wanted to just give up, God gave him hope and today, he's a survivor.

2. Allow Yourself to Grieve

A lot of us feel ashamed to grieve for fear that people will see us as weaklings. So, we bottle up our feelings inside our hearts instead of letting go of all the pain. We refuse to cry or even give ourselves the time to grieve. 

We feel we can hide our pain and everything will be okay. There is no crime in crying or screaming out loud when you're in pain but the best way to grieve is to grieve privately. 

Those moments when you suddenly feel alone and empty, all you can do is cry and let out all the negative feelings tied up inside. When you're done crying and screaming, you will notice how alive you are and at that moment, you will begin to appreciate the gift of life.

3. Accept The Loss

Most of us cannot accept the truth that our spouse is gone. We tell ourselves that he or she is on vacation and would soon be back. After several days or months of grieving, give yourself a break. Crying forever won't change anything. 

You lost someone dear to you either through Divorce or Death, and you've spent days or probably months crying. The only benefit you get from crying is the relief of pain but no amount of tears will bring back your spouse. 

He or she is either living happily with someone else or resting peacefully in the bosom of the Lord. You have to accept the fact that your spouse is gone forever. Allow that thought to sink down and then you're ready to live your life as a happy person.

4. Find New Hobbies

Now that you've accepted the loss of your spouse, you will have inner peace. This peace gives you a reason to smile and to feel alive. You can start searching for useful things to spend time on. 

It could be playing Golf, Swimming, Sky diving, Volunteering, Travelling, registering with a Gym or maybe pursuing a higher education. You can try out all the crazy things you've always wanted to do but couldn't. Just make sure it's not dangerous or harmful to your health.

5. Make New Friends

When you find new hobbies, definitely you will find people to enjoy them with. They could be your Golf partners, your classmates or even your skydiving team mates. Don't be too shy or reserved. I know it sounds crazy but you have to try.

Reach out to people and make new friends. Connect with them and hang out during the weekends. But of course, remember to choose your friends wisely.

6. Take All the Time You Need

Now that you have hobbies and maybe a handful of friends, what next? Just relax and take life one day at a time. Don't be in a haste to cover up for lost time. 

Don't be mad at yourself if you occasionally miss your spouse. It's normal to remember him or her once in awhile. Just take it easy, have fun and enjoy life.

7. Rejoin The Dating World

Yeah, you knew we would eventually get to this part. I know how hard it is going back to dating. It feels like going back to square one and starting life all over again. You thought you would never have to do that again but I guess you're on that road now. 

Finding someone special won't be an easy task especially with the type of ladies we have in this generation. You have to employ the "sifting technique" and remove the wheat from the chaff. 

Don't just leap into a relationship, take your time to learn new friends and see where it leads.

8. Be Patient

Even when it seems like there are no good people out there, don't lose hope. Continue with your hobbies and your friends and hopefully someday, you will meet that special person. 

Avoid forcing people into relationships they don't want and also remember to respect their privacy.

9. Take care of yourself

With a lot of new stuff to do and new friends to hang out with, there is a tendency to neglect your health. Yes, many people just dive into the world of fun and they tend to forget to watch what they eat or drink. 

Always be a responsible person and take care of yourself both on the inside and on the outside. Exercise regularly, eat healthy vegetables and drink a lot of water.

The transition from Married to Single is not an easy journey. You could find yourself explaining your marital status to new friends and it becomes a bit confusing. 

A few people may even doubt the truth when you tell them. I encourage you to find a way to get comfortable with your new status and move on with your life.

Don't stop looking for new hobbies when the old ones become boring or tiresome. #BeHappy#

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