speaking with a dear friend of mine a few days ago and I asked him why he
hasn’t remarried since his divorce. After a few seconds of hesitation, he
looked at me and said “Honestly Jennifer, I’m scared”.
heard those words, my heart went out to him. I wanted to comfort him but I
didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t claim that I understood how he felt
because obviously, I’ve never been married before.
is actually an effort to reach out to him in my own little way and also to
connect to others who may have lost their loved ones either through divorce or
In Nigeria, the word “divorce” is scarcely used. This is due
to the fact that a lot of us have the ability to endure in any situation we
find ourselves. Even when our marriage becomes a living hell for us, we don’t
We prefer to stay and work any challenge we are faced with. So when you
meet a Nigerian divorcee, you don’t know what to say or what to do to console
him or her. You just fall short of words.
Death, on the other hand, could be seen as a normal occurrence in life when it
happens to people we don’t know. But when it snatches our loved ones away, it
becomes a heavy blow to us.
It may seem like a dream and you could be in shock
for a while. Until you see the corpse lowered into the ground and covered with
soil, you are not convinced that this person is actually gone. You can’t
imagine life without your partner and you’re forced to pick up the pieces of
your shattered life and move on.
What if you don’t want to move on? What if you’re
scared that you will never find someone special again? What if you eventually
find someone else and you lose him or her?
possible questions that could be running through your mind. You don’t want to
take chances and instead you decide to remain alone forever. Is that even
Even the Bible says that “it is not good for a man to be alone”. You
could try to be alone and see where it leads you but a few years after, the
unbearable burden of loneliness hits you. You realise that you can’t remain
like this forever.
Eventually, your kids will leave the nest to establish
theirs and there won’t be a soul to talk to. This is the time to pull yourself
together and appreciate the beauty of life.
SO, HOW DO YOU MOVE ON?
A journey of a thousand miles, they say begins with a single step. Don’t worry
over anything, just take the first step.
Closer to God:
He is your refuge and he will never
forsake you. In Matthew 11:28-30, He says ” Come to me, all of you who are
weary and burdened and i will give you rest”.
If you seek him with all
your heart, you will find him and when you make your requests through
prayer and supplication, he’ll answer you. You can also get close to God by
becoming more involved in the church, reading your Bible regularly, sharing the
word of God and winning souls for him.
When my Dad lost my Mom, it was only the
Word of God that kept him going. Even when he wanted to just give up, God gave
him hope and today, he’s a survivor.
2. Allow Yourself to Grieve:
A lot of us feel
ashamed to grieve for fear that people will see us as weaklings. So, we bottle
up our feelings inside our hearts instead of letting go of all the pain. We
refuse to cry or even give ourselves the time to grieve.
We feel we can hide
our pain and everything will be okay. There is no crime in crying or screaming
out loud when you’re in pain but the best way to grieve is to grieve privately.
Those moments when you suddenly feel alone and empty, all you can do is cry and
let out all the negative feelings tied up inside. When you’re done crying and
screaming, you will notice how alive you are and at that moment, you will begin
to appreciate the gift of life.
3. Accept The Loss:
Most of us cannot accept the truth
that our spouse is gone. We tell ourselves that he or she is on vacation and
would soon be back. After several days or months of grieving, give yourself a
break. Crying forever won’t change anything.
You lost someone dear to you
either through Divorce or Death, and you’ve spent days or probably months crying.
The only benefit you get from crying is the relief of pain but no amount of
tears will bring back your spouse.
He or she is either living happily with
someone else or resting peacefully in the bosom of the Lord. You have to accept
the fact that your spouse is gone forever. Allow that thought to sink down and
then you’re ready to live your life as a happy person.
4. Find New Hobbies:
Now that you’ve accepted the loss of
your spouse, you will have inner peace. This peace gives you a reason to smile
and to feel alive. You can start searching for useful things to spend time on.
It could be playing Golf, Swimming, Sky diving, Volunteering, Travelling,
registering with a Gym or maybe pursuing a higher education. You can try out
all the crazy things you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t. Just make sure
it’s not dangerous or harmful to your health.
5. Make New Friends:
When you find new hobbies, definitely
you will find people to enjoy them with. They could be your Golf partners, your
classmates or even your skydiving team mates. Don’t be too shy or reserved. I know it sounds crazy but you have to try.
Reach out to people and make new friends. Connect with them and hang out during
the weekends. But of course, remember to choose your friends wisely.
6. Take All the Time You Need:
that you have hobbies and maybe a handful of friends, what next? Just relax and
take life one day at a time. Don’t be in a haste to cover up for lost time.
Don’t be mad at yourself if you occasionally miss your spouse. It’s normal to
remember him or her once in awhile. Just take it easy, have fun and enjoy life.
7. Rejoin The Dating World:
Yeah, you knew we
would eventually get to this part. I know how hard it is going back to dating.
It feels like going back to square one and starting life all over again. You
thought you would never have to do that again but I guess you’re on that road
Finding someone special won’t be an easy task especially with the type of
ladies we have in this generation. You have to employ the “sifting
technique” and remove the wheat from the chaff.
Don’t just leap into a
relationship, take your time to learn new friends and see where it leads.
8. Be Patient:
Even when it seems like there are no
good people out there, don’t lose hope. Continue with your hobbies and your friends
and hopefully someday, you will meet that special person.
Avoid forcing people
into relationships they don’t want and also remember to respect their privacy.
9. Take care of yourself:
With a lot of new
stuff to do and new friends to hang out with, there is a tendency to neglect
your health. Yes, many people just dive into the world of fun and they tend to
forget to watch what they eat or drink.
Always be a responsible person and take
care of yourself both on the inside and on the outside. Exercise regularly, eat
healthy vegetables and drink a lot of water.
transition from Married to Single is not an easy journey. You could find
yourself explaining your marital status to new friends and it becomes a bit
A few people may even doubt the truth when you tell them. I
encourage you to find a way to get comfortable with your new status and move on
with your life.
Don’t stop looking for new hobbies when the old ones become
boring or tiresome. #BeHappy#