If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to learn how to communicate effectively with them, especially when leaving is not a viable option for you.
While it may be difficult to win an argument with a narcissistic partner or express your real feelings without criticism, there are several communication skills you can apply to improve your relationship.
In this article, we take a look at how to communicate effectively with a narcissist so you can have a healthy love life.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY WITH A NARCISSIST
The first step to communicating effectively with a narcissist is to always be in control of your emotions and avoid raising your voice no matter how provoked you are during conversations.
This is because narcissists tend to communicate in a different way than other people.
HOW DO NARCISSISTS COMMUNICATE?
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Narcissism is defined as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity in fantasy or behavior, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood.”
Yet even if someone has a diagnosis of narcissism, there is not one way they will communicate.
This is because, as narcissism expert, Wendy T. Behary, explains “Narcissism appears along a spectrum, from healthy and benign narcissism at one end to moderate and then overt or covert maladaptive narcissism at the other.”
At one end of the spectrum, your partner may exhibit narcissistic communication patterns that are frustrating or confusing.
However, on the other end of the spectrum, a partner with maladaptive narcissism will often communicate in an abusive manner.
This includes communication that involves yelling, frequent gaslighting, and threats.
Overall, though, the most common way a narcissist will communicate is unclear.
A narcissist will be inconsistent with their words and actions. One moment, they may be apologizing for their behavior.
While in the very next moment, a narcissist may be blaming you for this same behavior.
When you are communicating with a narcissist, it’s common to walk away feeling confused. You may even question if you’re going “crazy.”
IS IT POSSIBLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH A NARCISSIST?
It depends. Since narcissism exists on a spectrum, how effective communicating with your partner can be varied.
On one end of the spectrum, the narcissist in your life will be difficult to communicate with but it won’t be impossible.
Your relationship, if you stay committed to healthier ways of communicating, can potentially heal.
However, at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism, you may be in a relationship with a dangerous and abusive partner.
This is a partner who poses a significant threat to your emotional and/or physical safety (or the safety of your children).
Such a narcissist threatens your security – this may be financially, legally, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally.
If you are in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, it’s important to seek therapy – or to leave.
Trying to improve the way you communicate with an abusive narcissist is not enough to heal this relationship honestly.
If your relationship with a narcissist isn’t abusive, only frustrating, you can improve your communication together.
The most important way to improve your communication with your partner will be to be prepared for a variety of issues.
These common issues when communicating with a narcissist include their lack of empathy and gaslighting.
When you are prepared for these issues, you can choose how to respond most effectively.
10 TIPS ON HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY WITH A NARCISSIST
1. Be clear about your needs and boundaries before communicating with a narcissist
If they try to turn your concerns around on you, by saying you’re too sensitive or they were only joking, for example, stay firm.
You can share an appreciation for their perspective but your need, or boundary, has not changed.
For example, you may say, “I understand that you don’t mean to offend me when you joke about my body; however, I still need you to stop making jokes about my body.”
2. Stay consistent with what you say as well as your actions
A narcissist is commonly inconsistent with their communication. This can make it easy to get confused and backtrack on what you share with your partner.
You may end up apologizing for your thoughts, feelings, needs, or boundaries when they are inconsistent.
To interrupt this pattern, it’s necessary to stay clear and consistent about what you’re communicating – even if they challenge you.
3. Learn to identify gaslighting to be able to set boundaries around your reality
Most narcissists use gaslighting tactics in a bid to confuse you and distort your reality.
A person with healthy boundaries around their reality will understand they are not “crazy” even if someone attempts to gaslight them.
They own their authentic needs, feelings, thoughts, and boundaries without confusion.
When you are aware of the signs of gaslighting, you are better equipped to not walk away feeling “crazy” after communicating with a narcissist. You’ll also be more capable of staying consistent.
4. Set boundaries with consequences
Boundaries must have consequences to be effective.
If you tell the narcissist in your life that you need them to stop yelling at you then you need a consequence if they yell at you again.
This may mean that you explain if they yell at you again, which is a violation of your boundaries, you will walk away.
Then when they yell at you again you must follow through on this consequence.
Otherwise, you are showing the narcissist in your life that your boundaries are meaningless thus perpetuating the problems in your relationship.
5. Work on accepting your authentic self
This includes your genuine needs, wants, feelings, and boundaries in the relationship.
Narcissism expert, Wendy T. Behary explains, “There is a conspiracy of silence between the narcissist and his authentic self, between you and your most authentic feelings when you’re in his company, and between the two of you in your interactions.”
To break ineffective communication in your relationship with a narcissist, you must do things differently.
This means that while you may have been afraid to be honest about your true needs, feelings, thoughts, and limits you must begin to do so with the narcissist in your life.
If you experience gaslighting or anger in response, this does not mean you are “wrong” to assert yourself.
Rather this means you need to stay consistent with asserting yourself. (Note: If you are in an abusive relationship, it’s valid to not feel safe communicating in general.)
6. Work on healing your codependency symptoms
People experiencing codependency and people experiencing narcissism are often a perfect complement to one another’s emotional and behavioral symptoms.
Psychotherapist, Ross Rosenberg, calls this the “human magnet syndrome.”
As such, it’s necessary to heal any of your own codependent symptoms which may include feeling guilty for setting boundaries, denying or minimizing the narcissist’s actions, and wanting to control or fix others to improve your communication with your partner.
7. Start accepting reality to communicate clearly
If you minimize or deny how the narcissist is treating you or apologize when you are not in the wrong, you stay stuck in ineffective communication patterns with the narcissist.
In The Codependency Recovery Plan I explain, “People may have treated us terribly, but we also choose to co-create and continue these patterns. We make the choice to deny or minimize the behavior of others, and we choose to neglect our own needs and ourselves.”
To communicate more effectively you must start seeing reality clearly and honoring what the true problems in the relationship are.
8. Stop giving the narcissist the benefit of the doubt when they hurt or disrespect you
Early in a relationship, a narcissist will often love bomb you so you can become emotionally attached to them quickly and not see their true personality.
Ifyou were love bombed, your partner likely showered you with attention, compliments, and gifts.
Then, over time, when they became more hurtful, you likely have tried to get them back to the “real” version you met.
However, to communicate effectively with a narcissist, it’s necessary to stop trying to figure out how to go back in time.
It’s important to accept that the person you are interacting with now is truly your partner.
To communicate effectively with a narcissist, you must let go of your fantasy of them.
Rather your narcissistic partner is, like all people, capable of both good and bad. This is their true self and you must always keep this at the back of your mind.
9. Stay consistent in your requests for empathy
It can be frustrating to constantly feel misunderstood by your narcissistic partner.
For example, they may refuse to see things from your own point of view or sympathize with you when you’re experiencing emotional distress due to their abuse.
Let your partner know when you feel like they are not seeing you in an interaction and steamrolling you.
This may help them realize how much they are hurting you and decide to treat you better, especially when you disagree over some issues.
10. Take self-soothing breaks
If you and your partner aren’t communicating effectively or fighting fairly, take a timeout to regulate your nervous system.
This is something all people must do whether they are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist or not to communicate better and lower the risk of developing mental health issues.
For instance, when a discussion is becoming heated and tilting toward violence, let your partner know you need a few minutes to calm down then leave the room immediately.
You may choose to go for a long walk, listen to relaxing music, or take a shower to help ease your nerves and clear your mind before returning to the conversation.
WHAT SHOULD YOU NOT SAY TO A NARCISSIST?
If you are in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, do not threaten to leave.
Instead, if you are ready to leave, make secret escape plans without the narcissist to ensure your safety.
It can be very dangerous to tell an abusive narcissist that you want to end the relationship or leave them.
They may escalate and become more violent. Or they may try to gaslight you into believing they have changed to get you to stay.
The only way to heal a relationship with an abusive narcissist is for your partner to take accountability for their abusive behaviors and be willing to seek therapy both individual and couples.
If you choose to leave this relationship, please know you can heal from the trauma of narcissistic abuse with support.
Conclusion
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist who is difficult to communicate with rather than abusive, avoid blaming them for all your communication difficulties.
It’s popular right now to dismiss people for being “narcissists,” but this simplifies the issue.
If your relationship is not abusive, then your relationship problems which include communication issues, are co-created.
This means you are also responsible for your poor communication with your romantic partner.
It’s not just because they are a narcissist that you’re struggling to communicate together.
Rather you also have unhealthy communication patterns which complicate your communication.
This may be patterns of denial, people pleasing, defensiveness, or poor boundaries to provide a few examples.
To improve your communication with your partner, it’s necessary to also take accountability that part of the communication issues is your responsibility to address and fix.
Recommended Reading:
10 Shocking Ways Dating A Narcissist Changes You