Do you feel like you walk on eggshells every day just to keep the peace in your marriage?
Does having a peaceful conversation with your husband always seem like an impossible task? You’re not alone!
Knowing how to communicate with your husband without fighting is one of the major challenges women face on a regular basis.
This can be more pronounced if you have a difficult spouse who refuses to listen to you or work with you to fix recurring problems in a productive way.
According to relationship experts, one of the biggest relationship problems married couples struggle with is knowing how to communicate during conflict.
If you don’t seem to ever agree on anything as a couple, you likely don’t have the right communication skills required to maintain healthy conversations.
And until you both master how to use effective communication skills when talking to each other, your communication problems won’t go away.
The good news is, couples who still fight have a higher chance of reconnecting than couples who are so tired of fighting that they feel defeated and stop caring about anything that goes on in their marriage.
A few years ago, when I first started dating my husband, we fought almost every day.
It felt like we both had a lot of things to say but no one was really listening and it took a toll on our relationship.
We had hurt each other so many times with our words that we barely recognized one another.
It was like our love had suddenly evaporated into thin air and we were left with simmering anger and deep resentment in our hearts.
These negative emotions and overwhelming feelings resulted into poor communication in our relationship.
One day I said, “This isn’t going so well. I can’t continue like this.”
The sad truth was that, I was so exhausted from all our fighting and power struggle that I decided to take a break.
This was the turning point for us because in our brief moment of separation, we realized how much we loved each other.
And the only way we could get back together for good, was to prioritize healthy communication in our relationship.
It totally worked and even though we still argue sometimes, we try not to let our disagreements turn into full blown heated arguments.
If you’re ready to learn how to communicate with your husband without fighting, you’ll get some healthy communication tips that you can start applying in your marriage right away.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT FIGHTING
Do you always seem to fight with your husband about the same things without ever coming to a mutual agreement?
It’s a good thing you’re fighting but if you’re not resolving your issues after each fight, that’s a bit problematic because a lot of unresolved issues are going to pile up until they become insurmountable.
When this negative cycle goes on for too long, it becomes extremely difficult for couples to move on from past experiences that were painful.
Luckily, you won’t get to that stage because just by reading this post, it shows that you’re willing to put in more effort to learn how to communicate with your spouse without fighting.
That’s great progress already!
When couples fight, their communication style determines how the overall conversation will go and the type of results they’ll have.
Most people don’t know anything about their styles of communication so they unconsciously use the same ineffective strategies to settle disputes among themselves.
If you’ve been asking, “Why is it so hard to communicate with my husband?” and you’re getting super frustrated about this, know that you’re not the only one struggling to figure out how to talk to an angry spouse.
In this post, I’m going to show you how to communicate more effectively with your partner so you can stop arguing about the same things over and over again.
Here are 11 effective communication tips to help you talk things out with your husband in a healthy way:
1. Choose a suitable time to talk
One of the most common communication mistakes people make is bringing up important discussions at the wrong time.
If you have a difficult spouse who easily gets upset about small things, avoid trying to talk to him when he’s busy or in a bad mood.
A good time to talk will be when he’s relaxing at home or around bed time when you’re both getting settled in for the night.
Don’t bring up deep conversation topics when your husband is exhausted, preoccupied with something or rushing off to work.
The first step in knowing how to communicate with your spouse without fighting is to observe his body language regularly so you can find the appropriate time to have difficult conversations that require full attention.
2. Avoid using these 4 dysfunctional communication styles
Do you know that men and women use different communication styles in relationships?
According to relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, there are four negative communication styles that usually lead to conflict and divorce.
Using toxic communication habits like criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling can be devastating in a relationship.
Do you often criticize and mock your partner when you’re talking? Or do you try to defend yourself by talking back angrily and blocking out your partner emotionally?
Each time you talk, be careful to identify any destructive communication styles you’re using so you can stop them right away before you hurt each other and destroy your healthy marriage beyond repair.
3. Listen to understand before responding
The secret to being a good communicator is to develop active listening skills.
A lot of marriage problems would be avoided if only couples can work on listening more and getting a better understanding of the situation before responding or taking action.
Before you assume or jump to conclusions, make sure you listen to understand your partner’s point of view first.
Show your husband you’re listening to him by paying attention to his words, asking open-ended questions and maintaining eye contact with him throughout the conversation.
It’s annoying to realize halfway through a discussion that someone isn’t paying attention to you or even listening to what you’re saying.
If you’re having a serious conversation with your husband, drop everything you’re doing and listen to him closely.
4. Know your husband’s triggers and avoid setting them off
Everyone has emotional triggers that gets them pissed off or upset when they’re toyed with.
As a married woman, it’s your responsibility to find out your husband’s likes and dislikes so you can know how to best handle him to prevent future conflict.
If you discover that your spouse hates being laughed at, avoid laughing at him especially when you’re having a serious conversation.
No matter how the conversation goes, be careful not to push his buttons. Triggering anyone’s emotions can make them react in a negative manner.
If your partner feels that you’re laughing at him or mocking his choice of words, there’s going to be a bigger problem to deal with.
When you’re talking to your spouse, watch out for destructive habits that can come up in a useless argument and don’t be tempted to use annoying tactics on your husband.
5. Take control of your emotions
Knowing how to communicate with a difficult spouse involves being more emotionally aware and sensitive to your partner’s feelings at all times.
If you expect a better outcome each time you communicate with your husband, remember to take absolute control of your emotions when you’re in the middle of a heated argument.
Do everything you can to stay calm, watch your tone and be careful with your choice of words.
If you have anger management issues, practice deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques to help you handle difficult emotions in a constructive way.
When you’re trying to talk to your husband, speaking in a calm and quiet voice can help you stay in control of the conversation so it doesn’t get out of hand.
Avoid being passive aggressive and don’t engage in destructive communication habits such as stonewalling, gaslighting or giving your partner the silent treatment when you argue.
Whenever you suspect that something is not right, give yourself enough time to deal with any negative feelings you might have before approaching your husband.
This is the best way to make sure you have an open mind when you decide to talk about the issue.
6. Give him your undivided attention
The essential aspect of effective communication is being fully present with the person you’re having a conversation with.
Most people have the annoying habit of scrolling mindlessly through their phone or watching TV when their partner is trying to communicate with them.
According to relationship experts, this act is called phubbing.
If you do this when you’re having a chit chat or engaging in small talk with your spouse, he may not mind you snubbing him in favor of your phone or gadget.
But, if you’re discussing something really important, he’ll get angry if he notices that you’re not paying attention to him.
The best way to give your husband undivided attention is to maintain eye contact, stay close to him and avoid engaging in other activities while you’re having important discussions.
7. Avoid yelling or raising your voice
Nothing good ever comes from screaming or nagging especially if you are trying to build a better marriage with your spouse.
Even in healthy relationships, when two couples fight, things usually get out of hand when someone starts yelling or throwing things around.
The most important step in fostering good communication in a relationship and knowing how to talk to your husband without fighting is to watch the tone of your voice.
If you experience bottlenecks when you try to talk to your husband about something, avoid yelling or raising your voice as a way of enforcing your opinion.
It may be tempting to try to stand your ground and win an argument so that you can prove to your partner that you’re right and he’s wrong, but that strategy won’t yield the best results.
Sometimes, having the final say is not a good thing especially when you use sarcastic phrases or hurtful words to prove a point.
8. Be specific about your needs
One major problem people have when it comes to expressing their thoughts or feelings is not knowing how to communicate without arguing.
This is because they are not being specific enough about what they need and are instead focusing on all the things that their partner isn’t doing right.
If you want your needs met, the best way to achieve this is by using ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘You’. Don’t say “You never listen to me” or “You are always so self-absorbed”.
When you attack or criticize your husband’s behavior, he’ll feel defensive and in that frame of mind, it would be impossible to continue a healthy communication.
Try saying “I feel as if I’m alone in this or “It’s really hard to do all the house chores alone and it would be so nice if you could help.”
Being specific about what you need is a great way to tell your husband exactly what you want in your marriage.
9. Learn to agree to disagree
When you’re thinking of how to have difficult conversations with your spouse, you may feel that being stubborn or strong-willed will be the best approach.
But debating about a particular conversation topic for too long will definitely lead to a power struggle where everyone wants to get the final say.
If you’re on the verge of losing your temper during a fight, take a step back and give yourself some time to gather your thoughts.
It’s okay to restart the conversation later when you’ve both calmed down because continuing with a heated argument will only lead to more hurtful words or violence being exchanged.
A healthy way to deal with conflict is to take a break to deal with overwhelming emotions and clear your thoughts before talking about the same problem again.
This doesn’t mean you have to give up or surrender but it’s good to know when something is worth fighting for and when it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Sometimes, it’s also okay to try to compromise from time to time when things don’t turn out as expected.
Instead of insisting on having your way all the time, find a way to compromise for the growth of your partner and your marriage.
10. Show empathy towards your husband
The importance of communication in a relationship is not to win an argument at all costs or to be right all the time but to bring empathy, compassion and understanding to your relationship.
Are you supportive or judgemental towards your partner?
If you find yourself battling with recurrent arguments in your relationship, be the bigger person and take control of the situation by showing more love.
A simple apology and compassion can go a long way in preventing conflict.
If you say something offensive out of anger, show remorse by saying, “I shouldn’t have said that to you. It’s totally unfair and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m so sorry.”
Taking personal responsibility for your own actions is not an act of surrender but a show of maturity.
Instead of being defensive and coming up with a negative response to hurt your spouse even more, a good idea to defuse the tension would be to give a sincere apology.
11. Don’t bring up the past unless it’s really important
Another big mistake a lot of married couples make when trying to have honest conversations with each other is to dig up the past even when the issue has been previously resolved.
This is the fastest way to escalate an argument and if you’re trying to learn how to communicate with your partner during a fight, you have to be mindful of this at all times.
The secret to better communication is to focus on the real problem at hand and avoid bringing up the past if it has nothing to do with what is currently being discussed.
Don’t try to emotionally blackmail your spouse or try to twist their words and make them look bad.
Everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it’s important to acknowledge that fact so you don’t put each other down for your flaws or previous mistakes.
No matter what happens in your marriage, resist the urge to reopen old wounds that are already healed.
If you have past relationship issues that seem to resurface, sign up for online therapy and counseling to fix your problems.
A lot of married couples struggle with lack of communication, money problems and intimacy issues over the course of their marriage.
The way you handle your problems as a couple is what really matters in the long run.
It’s important to know that you’re not the only couple battling with recurring problems that never seem to really go away.
When you’re learning how to improve communication with your spouse, you’re going to have to deal with a lot of challenges that may threaten to tear you apart.
Stay strong in the midst of chaos. As long as you still love each other, your goal should always be to stay emotionally connected as you work on building a happy marriage that can last a lifetime.
If you try all the tips I’ve outlined in this post and they don’t work for you, consider signing up for couples therapy or marriage counseling to fix your communication problems.