There are so many sweet words you can say to your spouse to make them feel loved and special.
But do you know the things you should never say to your spouse in the heat of an argument?
Using hurtful words in a relationship can be detrimental, so it’s important to avoid them at all costs no matter how angry you are.
What are some hurtful words to avoid in your marriage? In this post, I’m going to give you a list of hurtful words you should never use in your relationship.
7 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER USE HURTFUL WORDS IN YOUR MARRIAGE
Most people don’t know the real impact of saying hurtful things to a romantic partner.
One of the major reasons of knowing what not to say to your spouse is that hurtful words said in anger can never be taken back.
Here are other reasons why you should never use hurtful words in your marriage:
1. The goal of an argument is to understand each other better
According to relationship experts, fighting is actually healthy for a relationship because when couples fight constructively, they become more in tune with each other.
Having a healthy fight can help you understand your spouse more if it’s done in a productive way.
If your aim is to increase emotional intimacy in your marriage, avoid using harsh statements during a fight.
Saying the wrong words to your spouse can negatively impact their character and your marriage in the long run.
2. Your spouse is your teammate not your enemy
In the heat of the moment, most couples forget that they’re a team rather than opponents.
This is not a healthy way to deal with conflict because you can unknowingly engage in personal attacks and create negative feelings in your marriage.
The major rule of healthy partnerships is to prioritize effective communication.
If you want to have a successful relationship, stop trying to make your spouse look like a bad person when you have arguments and be more intentional about finding real solutions to specific issues.
3. Hurtful words can leave lifetime scars
Relationship experts often advise couples to use the three magic words to make each other feel loved and special.
This is because words are powerful when used to communicate and verbally abusing your partner can cause emotional pain.
In the same vein, using negative words can hurt your spouse’s feelings and even cause mental health issues in the long run.
As a married couple, it’s important to be mindful of using unhealthy communication styles like name calling, giving the silent treatment or playing the blame game.
4. Harsh words can destroy your emotional connection
Emotional intimacy is created when a couple is open and vulnerable with each other.
This means that you openly communicate your feelings without fear of judgment or criticism.
When you use harsh words to express your thoughts or feelings, it can affect your spouse badly and even destroy the emotional connection you have.
If you want to have a happy marriage, try to say positive things to your spouse even when you’re angry.
Don’t be quick to get into a defensive mode when you’re having an argument.
Instead take a deep breath, calm down and focus on the real problem at hand.
5. You may lose the trust and intimacy you have in your marriage
Saying hurtful things to your spouse or criticizing their personality can make them lose their trust in you.
When trust is lost in marriage, it can be difficult to rebuild it. It’s important to choose your words carefully and avoid bringing up your spouse’s past mistakes each time you argue.
Using this type of negative communication pattern can only lead to distrust and a lack of intimacy in your marriage.
According to licensed psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook, bringing up past issues is never a constructive thing to do during a disagreement.
Remember to only focus on what’s bothering you at the moment.
6. Negative hurtful words can make your spouse feel unloved, insecure and inferior
Whether your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation or not, saying the right things to them can increase their self-esteem and confidence.
If you’re talking about a sensitive issue, be mindful of what you say to your spouse.
Using harsh statements can create feelings of inferiority or insecurity in your marriage.
This doesn’t mean you have to hide the truth or sugar-coat things, but it’s a good idea to find healthier ways to communicate instead of using negative communication styles.
7. You can never take back hurtful words once they’re said
When you say hurtful things to someone, you can never take them back because those words are going to be etched deep into their mind and they may never forget it.
According to clinical psychologist Elie Cohen, “You should never make a complaint that involves a personal attack on a person’s character.”
Instead of verbally insulting your spouse, find common ground where you can talk things out like mature adults.
There is no need to throw around empty threats or use harsh statements when you argue if you want to have a healthy marriage.
EXAMPLES OF THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE
If you’re looking for examples of hurtful words that can be detrimental to a marriage, here is a list of hurtful words you should never say to your spouse in the heat of an argument:
1. You always do this
2. I hate you so much
3. You disgust me
4. I can’t stand you
5. I wish I never met you
6. I regret marrying you
7. I’m leaving you
8. You’ll never see the kids again
9. You are so pathetic
10. I wish you were dead
11. My ex was a better partner than you
12. I want a divorce
13. You are out of your mind
14. I don’t want to ever see you again
15. You’re making a fool of yourself
16. How could you be so stupid?
17. That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said
18. I’m tired of putting up with your bullshit
19. I don’t believe you
20. Stay away from me and the kids
21. You are a total disgrace
22. You should be ashamed of yourself
23. You are such a loser
24. It’s all your fault
25. You are a coward
I’ve given you some examples of hurtful words you can’t take back.
There are so many other harsh statements that can destroy a happy marriage even when you don’t mean them.
The best way to avoid saying regrettable things to your partner is to learn how to fight fair.
HOW TO AVOID USING HURTFUL WORDS DURING A FIGHT
When people say hurtful things in anger, they always regret it later.
If you find out that you often say hurtful things to your spouse when you fight or argue, it’s advisable to learn how to avoid using negative words before you cause irreversible damage to your marriage.
Here’s how to avoid saying hurtful things to your spouse:
1. Keep your emotions under control
The most important thing you can do to avoid using hurtful words during an argument is to control your emotions.
As soon as you get angry or raise your voice, you’re entering a dangerous zone.
Dr. Cook says that it is okay to point out patterns of behavior that bother you, but only when things are calm and none of you is upset or triggered.
You can keep your emotions under control by pausing for 5 seconds, taking a deep breath, unclenching your fists and lowering your voice.
If you do this every time you feel yourself getting emotional, you’ll be in a better position to communicate effectively.
2. Avoid raising your voice when you argue
Raising your voice can be a defensive behavioral response to being attacked, but it’s never a good thing to do during an argument with your spouse.
When you feel hurt, disrespected or criticized, you may want to respond with harsh words as a way of gaining the upper hand. This is often a bad idea!
A sure-fire way to turn a little disagreement into a full blown heated argument is to start yelling.
The moment you raise your voice during an argument, you’re inviting your spouse into the war zone and things can go downhill really fast.
No matter how pissed you are, try to control your temper and lower your voice when you talk.
3. Maintain physical contact with your spouse
The key to staying connected to your spouse during an argument is to maintain physical contact.
When you’re far away from each other, it can prompt you to throw your words from a distance so you can be heard.
Any time you want to discuss a sensitive issue with your partner, sit down close to each other and maybe even hold hands while you talk.
Maintaining physical contact during an argument can prevent you from getting angry and raising your voice.
Couples who stay close to each other when they talk often communicate better in their marriage.
4. Take a break when things get tense
Anytime you withdraw from a conversation or simply stop responding to your spouse, you’re creating a communication gap between you.
Instead of shutting down completely or stonewalling your partner when things get tense, let them know that you need a break from the discussion.
A simple statement like “Let’s talk about this later” will show your spouse that you’re open to discussing the issue when you’re more calm and in a better mood.
As soon as you recognize tension in your conversation, take a break to give you both a few minutes to keep your emotions under control before you resume the discussion.
Sometimes, it’s okay to agree to disagree later to prevent a disagreement from escalating into a big fight.
5. Avoid playing the blame game
Harsh statements like “You always do this” or “You never listen” are a perfect example of contempt which imply long-simmering feelings of negativity about your partner according to Dr. John from the Gottman Institute.
Try to take responsibility for your own actions and avoid playing the blame game anytime you argue with your spouse.
Blaming your partner for every little thing that goes wrong is not a good way to resolve conflicts.
In a healthy relationship, both partners accept full responsibility for their actions and they’re willing to work on resolving their problems in a productive way.
6. Don’t use negative communication styles
Research shows that there are certain kinds of toxic communication styles which can signal the end of a relationship.
Negative communication styles like critiscm, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are the biggest predictors of divorce.
Chanel Dokun, a certified NYC life planner says that ‘never’ is one of the most hurtful words you shouldn’t say to your spouse during an argument because it communicates dismissiveness and a lack of appreciation for the their efforts.
Try to use “I” statements to describe exactly how you feel and what you need from your relationship.
Being able to accurately identify your needs and effectively communicate them is a cornerstone to enjoying a happy marriage.
The secret to a successful relationship is to always have good intentions towards your partner even when you fight.
Couples who fight dirty often end up farther apart from each other. I’ve given you a list of things you should never say to your spouse no matter what.
Learn to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings and try to communicate respectfully even when you’re angry.
This is the key to a successful marriage that can last for a lifetime!
About The Author
Hi, my name is Jennifer and I'm married to the love of my life. As a relationship coach, I'm passionate about helping couples build healthy and happy relationships.
I believe communication and intimacy are important in building a successful relationship.
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