Sometime ago, I wrote a post titled 9 Reasons Why Communication is Important in Your Relationship. This post, which is a follow up to the previous one, is an antidote for relationship problems that are related to communication. Do you know the 5 Serial Killers of a Relationship? You’re about to find out!
Every relationship faces challenges every now and then. These challenges
are often associated with communication; it could be the awful things we said or the soothing words we refused to say. Often times, the things we fight about may not even be the immediate causes of the fight. Most quarrels begin a long time inside our minds before we spill out our guts.
Some problems begin due to an accumulation of undisclosed issues; either because we refused to speak up or we didn’t just find an opportunity to say something. Then, one day, we have a big fight and we call it quits; the relationship is over and we move on.
How many of us actually think of the real killers of our relationships? I know some of us try to analyse the breakup to find out what went wrong but not all of us succeed in finding out the real truth; we can only assume or find entirely different reasons to attach to our breakup.
There are usually 5 silent killers of a relationship; I call them silent because they often start out small and then grow into an inferno that we can’t put out.
The 5 Serial Killers of a Relationship
1. LACK OF COMMUNICATION:
This is the number one killer of a relationship. I have always said that communication is vital to every relationship; it is like a backbone that supports it. Lack of communication breeds a lot of nuances that are not healthy for any relationship.
If you don’t talk extensively with someone, how would you get answers to all the questions dancing around in your head? If you don’t ask questions, how would you clear up all the doubts in your mind? When you think your partner is up to something fishy, why don’t you sit him/her down and talk things through?
I’ve met couples who don’t discuss personal issues; they only talk about the kids and other family related problems. They see themselves as life partners but not friends so, they always avoid discussing personal issues that really bother them. Gradually, they begin to harbor doubts, have big fights and eventually walk out on each other.
I strongly believe communication is essential in every relationship. Don’t be a mind reader; talk to your partner and find out what he’s really up to. Don’t just sit down and expect him to always make the first move in settling disputes.
If he upsets you, tell him about it in a mature manner instead of bearing grudges against him for centuries and giving him the silent treatment because one day, you’ll just erupt into tiny pieces and it would be too late to save your relationship.
It takes a secure and confident person to love someone genuinely. It isn’t enough to say you love someone when you don’t first love yourself. When you constantly feel uncertain, unsafe and apprehensive of loss, how do you really expect someone to stay with you?
How do you expect your partner to accept you the way you are when you’re always too conscious of yourself? How would someone truly love you when you always find flaws in yourself even when there aren’t any? Why should your partner desire you when you don’t feel desirable or lovable?
He could try to reassure you about his love for you but at some point, he’ll begin to feel irritated with your insecurity issues and that would be the beginning of some serious relationship problems. Beauty and self-worth have to start from within before it can radiate on others and touch people’s lives.
Learn to love yourself just the way you are before expecting another person to adore you. Don’t wait for someone else to make you complete; be complete so you can support each other.
As expected, with insecurity and lack of communication comes
crazy assumptions. Because you don’t communicate well with your partner, you give room for imagination and assumptions. You begin to create scenarios in your head when nothing is going on and you start reading signs in everything your man does.
If he comes home a minute late, you’ll assume he was hanging out with his other girlfriend. If you spot a brown stain on his shirt, you will assume he must have hugged a lady intimately and her powder stained his shirt. When he forgets an appointment you both made, then obviously he was preoccupied with some other lady.
Even when he gives a friend or colleague a lift, you’ll assume he is sleeping with her. The assumptions continue nonstop and lead to jealousy which can be a very negative emotion in a relationship. Learn to trust your man wholeheartedly and stop being paranoid.
As a result of your assumptions and crazy scenarios, you begin to track him and analyse everything he does or says. Everything he does is associated with a tinge of jealousy. If he takes a business partner to lunch, you get jealous. If he hugs his best friend, you get envious. If he chats too long with his childhood friend, you get furious.
Even when he doesn’t give you a reason to doubt him, you create them for yourself. You never seem to accept the fact that this person loves you and cares for you deeply. Even when he visits a divorcee, you feel she will snatch him away from you. Of course, your friends are not even allowed to visit when your man is around because you feel they would flirt with him and he’ll cheat on you.
5. TRUST ISSUES:
This issue kind of stems out from insecurity; that feeling of being undesirable and unworthy, wrong assumptions and jealousy. When you feel awful about yourself, you begin to feel skeptical about your partner and your relationship in general. Because you don’t love yourself enough, you don’t believe anyone can love you.
So even when you meet a good guy who goes through hell to prove his love for you, you still push him away. Why? You don’t trust him enough and you don’t understand why someone like him would possibly want you. You feel he has ulterior motives for coming around you or you don’t feel you deserve his love, so you do everything you can to push him far away.
You may even begin to ask irrelevant questions like “what is this handsome young man doing with me”, a fat ugly duckling when he has better choices outside? This is because you’re not looking at the real man inside; you’re simply fixated on the person you see outside.
Gradually, you will become suspicious of him. If he talks to any girl on the phone, it has to be one of his side chicks. Even when he travels, you think he has a mistress elsewhere. If he comes back late from work, he must have been chilling with another lady. You keep creating scenes in your head until one day, everything shatters around you.
These 5 relationship killers are inevitable; they usually spring up as a way of testing how strong your relationship is. The key to overcoming all of this is honest communication. Don’t assume to know the intentions of your spouse; you’re not a mind reader.
You’re allowed to assume but after assuming, discuss your doubts with your partner. If you feel skeptical or confused about something, talk to your partner about it. Talk to your spouse as soon as issues come up in order to avoid unnecessary accumulation of problems.
Personally, I’ve gained a lot from opening up and communicating my real feelings to my boyfriend. I prefer being told the bitter truth from the onset to finding it out later; it hurts to hear the truth from outside.
The inability to communicate honestly with your spouse shows a lack of trust and commitment in a relationship. We can avoid these relationship killers by simply communicating truthfully. If you need to sharpen your communication skills, get this Communication toolkit.
If you want to kill your relationship fast, use these serial killers!