Have you confirmed that your spouse is having a secret affair and now you’re wondering how to confront a cheating spouse?
Maybe you found hard evidence like cell phone records, secret email accounts, nude photos, suspicious phone calls, or voicemail messages?
Even if you didn’t catch your spouse cheating red-handed, finding proof of their infidelity is enough reason to confront them.
The moment you realize that your partner is having an affair, the first question that will pop into your mind is “Should I confront a cheating spouse?”
Your immediate reaction may be to create a public scene and disgrace your spouse but that won’t be a good idea especially if you still love them.
If you’re confused about your next steps, you’re not alone!
Most people are not sure if they should tell their cheating partner that they are aware of their affair with someone else or if they should pretend as if nothing ever happened.
If you feel this way, it’s not your fault.
This feeling of guilt in the pit of your stomach is because you feel that snooping around to find concrete evidence is a breach of trust in your relationship.
But you shouldn’t be the one feeling guilty or ashamed if you actually caught your spouse red-handed after doing a few investigations.
Knowing how to handle a cheating spouse can be messy if you don’t know exactly what to do about the situation.
There are so many things at stake like the future of your relationship and you probably have a lot of hard questions to ask your spouse that you don’t even know where to start.
One of the first things you need to do is take a deep breath and think things through because you may be in a state of shock if you just found out that your spouse is having an affair.
The next step is to access whether you have enough evidence to prove their act of infidelity.
If you don’t have solid evidence, you will need to hire a private investigator who has years of experience so they can do the digging for you.
Going this route will be your safest bet because a private detective’s report will contain more information than your own analysis.
You have a better chance of fixing your relationship or filing for divorce when you can prove your spouse’s illicit affair.
When you have all the evidence you need, it’s time to consider how to deal with a cheating spouse. There are five major ways people deal with a savvy cheater:
* Confront the unfaithful spouse and talk things out
* Pretend like it never happened and stay in your marriage
* Involve family members to resolve the issue
* Work with a marriage counselor to fix your problems
* Contact a divorce lawyer to help you end your marriage legally
What’s the best method you can use?
Figuring out how to handle a cheating partner is really up to you because you know your spouse best and what you want out of a marriage.
A lot of people are dependent on their spouse for financial assistance or medical aid and they can’t talk about infidelity or leave even if their spouse is a serial cheater.
Since you’re reading this post, it’s safe to assume that you want to know how to confront your cheating spouse and what you can expect if you do.
HOW TO CONFRONT A CHEATING SPOUSE WITH PROOF
If you’re contemplating about whether to confront your spouse or not, weigh all your options and look at your situation from every angle possible.
Are you ready to face the consequences of confronting a cheating spouse?
It’s not a walk in the park but the best way to fix your relationship or at least get closure is to discuss the issue with your partner.
You have every right to confront your spouse and know the reasons for their actions.
They breached your own trust when they had an affair with someone else outside your marriage.
If you’ve made up your mind to talk about your partner’s cheating behavior, I’m going to give you some tips on how to confront a cheating spouse with proof.
Dealing with a cheating spouse can be a tricky situation if not handled properly.
It’s easy for your spouse to outrightly deny their actions especially if you don’t have solid proof of their cheating.
Before you confront your spouse, do your homework and gather some compelling evidence if you don’t have any so they won’t be able to deny their affair or try to accuse you of mistrusting them.
Here are 9 steps on how to confront a cheating spouse with evidence:
1. Take some time to cool off
One of the worst things you can do is to confront your spouse before you’ve dealt with your emotions.
Talking about your partner’s affair when you’re angry or sad can be counterproductive.
You need to handle the matter with utmost care if you want positive results and you can only get that if you’ve mastered self-control.
It’s important that you weigh your emotions and take control of them so that things don’t get out of hand during the confrontation.
Being in total control of your emotions will enable you to communicate your feelings in a healthy and respectful way.
You can handle your emotions better by crying for as long as you need, praying about the issue, or talking to a trusted friend who really understands.
Confiding in your best friend can help you sort out your emotions in a safe place and enable you to come up with a workable plan.
Before you think about confronting your spouse, give yourself enough time to cool off and organize your thoughts so you’ll be in a better frame of mind to talk.
2. Prepare a list of questions to ask
When a partner cheats, you’re going to have a truckload of questions going through your mind like “Why did you cheat?”, “Were you unhappy?”, “Don’t I satisfy you in bed?” and several others that you want answers to.
This is actually a good thing because communication is one of the foundational pillars of a healthy relationship.
There are important decisions to be made as regards to your marriage and you can only make them when you have a full picture of the situation.
Most cheaters always come up with a good reason why they have an affair and even though you may not get answers you like, it’s a good idea to know why they did it.
Whether it’s an emotional affair or a physical affair, there is always a reason why people look for a new partner when they’re already in a committed relationship.
Being aware of the reason for your spouse’s actions can give you clarity about the future of your relationship and how to deal with unmet relationship needs.
If you feel like you don’t really need to know the reason why they cheated, you can still prepare a list of important questions to ask your spouse.
If you’re unsure of what to ask or you’re scared of saying something wrong during the confrontation, here’s a list of 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
3. Set up a meeting in a public place
It’s advisable to confront your spouse in a place where you feel safe, comfortable and unbiased.
You may think that confronting your spouse in your house is a wise decision to make but it’s not especially if you both live alone.
In most cases where infidelity is involved, it’s best to meet with your spouse in a public place where other people are present.
This is the only way you’ll be able to have a decent conversation on neutral grounds without getting too emotional or being manipulated by your partner.
You cannot guarantee how things will turn out in the meeting no matter how well prepared you are.
Even if you think you know your spouse very well, don’t go down that road.
If your spouse could break their wedding vows and cheat on you, you cannot be too sure of other things they’ll be capable of doing.
If you want to get the best results, set up a meeting in a public library, a restaurant or a coffee shop.
Don’t agree to meet in secluded places like parking lots or secret gardens just in case your spouse has anger issues that could lead to heated arguments or violent fights.
4. Wait until they deny the affair before you show proof
If you found solid proof such as romantic text messages, nude pictures, receipts for unusual expenses or other incriminating evidence, don’t show them to your spouse unless they deny having an affair with someone else.
This is the best way to know if they’re blatantly lying to your face and if it’s worth giving them a second chance.
You can start by asking questions like “Are you cheating on me?” Or “Where were you last night?” and then wait patiently for the answers.
Look them straight in the eye and don’t flinch when you ask these questions.
If they outrightly deny it or try to accuse you for being suspicious of them after all the love they’ve shown to you, let them know you have proof and show it to them.
Whatever you do, don’t be tempted to show any evidence of their cheating before you’ve given them the chance to tell you the truth.
5. Record your entire conversation
One important thing you need to do when dealing with a cheating spouse is to stay vigilant and attentive so you can gather more evidence that could be of use in the future.
Some cheaters will confess to their spouses about the affair and then go to a third party to deny the whole thing or try to blame the other partner instead.
To make sure you have an extra piece of evidence, record your entire conversation secretly on your phone.
Your marriage counselor might need this to help you figure out how to move forward in your marriage.
If things get out of hand and you decide that you want to end your marriage, this recording file can be used by a divorce lawyer during court proceedings.
Moreover, if you ever doubt your actions for leaving your cheating spouse, replaying your conversation will give you the courage you need to stick to your decision when you feel a sense of guilt.
Additionally, if no one in your family believes you about the affair, this audio could be your saving grace if your partner actually confesses to you about their infidelity.
6. Observe their body language and attitude
If you’re trying to decide whether to give your spouse a second chance or not, paying attention to their body language and attitude can give you a sense of direction.
A good sign that your spouse is remorseful about their actions is when they validate your anger and apologize for cheating on you.
If your partner constantly apologizes and makes genuine efforts to win back your trust, that’s a real sign of remorse.
Most times when people cheat, they do it from a place of entitlement because they feel that they actually deserve to do it.
Partners who don’t regret their actions usually bask in their feigned privilege while blaming you for their infidelity.
Real remorse on the other hand, comes from a place of utter humility and honesty because they feel truly sorry for betraying your trust.
It may feel weird for you to watch your spouse’s every move but observing their body language is how to know if someone is sorry for cheating.
Another good sign of genuine remorse is the willingness of the cheating partner to do the work necessary to make amends and fix your marriage.
The first step in the reconciliation process is cutting off all contact with the affair partner and being repentant enough about their infidelity to seek professional help.
Someone who isn’t remorseful will deliberately skip counseling sessions or other important appointments that concern the impact of their infidelity on your marriage.
If they refuse to tell you the whole truth with details but insist on hiding certain facts from you, it means they don’t feel guilty about their actions and might cheat on you again if given the chance.
7. Have an exit plan
Before you confront your cheating spouse, it’s important to work on an exit plan and decide on what your next steps will be after the confrontation.
Being clear about your needs will ensure you come up with a good plan in the end.
What would you do if you confront your partner and they agree to cheating on you?
What actions will you take if they deny their infidelity even if you have hard evidence to prove it?
No matter the outcome of your discussion, it may be wise to move out of the house and stay alone for a while to give your spouse a taste of what it feels like to live without you.
If you have to change your location for any reason, do you have someone you can stay with and do you have some cash saved for your welfare?
Do your homework and come up with an exit plan that will be favorable to you until the storm is over.
The hardest thing you can do in this situation is to stay in the same house with a spouse who recently cheated on you.
You’ll constantly have to battle with negative emotions and unhealthy thoughts just by being around them.
For the sake of your sanity, live apart for a while and see how things unfold for both for you.
8. Seek the help of a marriage counselor
It’s normal to get confused or stressed about your current situation and not know how to handle a cheating spouse in a professional manner.
Your feelings are probably all over the place right now and they’re a lot to deal with all by yourself.
An easy way to avoid dealing with your marriage problems alone is to seek the help of a licensed marriage counselor or family therapist who has the expertise to help you repair your marriage.
You may think that handling the situation yourself may turn out better because you know your spouse and you’ve been together for a while.
But making this type of assumption can result into further cheating down the line.
According to relationship experts, cheating is a sign that there is an underlying problem in your marriage that needs fixing.
If a spouse cheats, it’s often because their needs are not being met in the relationship.
The right thing to do when you’re going through challenges as a couple is to involve a third party who is qualified to help you.
After you’ve confronted your spouse and they admit to cheating, you can decide to set up a second meeting with a marriage counselor so that things don’t go out of hand or take a turn for the worst.
9. Prepare your terms of reconnection
If you decide to give your spouse a second chance, don’t just let them back into your life and try to revive your sex life without due procedure.
There are critical rules you need to follow before you get back together even if this is their first time of cheating.
You’re going to prolong your healing process if you behave like everything is okay when you still feel hurt about the affair.
Don’t do the work for your cheating spouse or give them a free pass because you love them.
If they are truly remorseful for betraying your trust, they have to show it by apologizing and doing whatever it takes to fix your marriage.
It’s important to lay out the terms of reconnection that your spouse must adhere to before you resume your relationship.
This to-do list must include everything you need them to do before you can trust them again.
If you want them to cut off all contact with their affair partner, share their passwords with you and sign up for couples counseling, add these tasks to the list.
Setting these rules before reconnecting with your spouse will give you a sense of security and help you rebuild your trust gradually.
For couples in open marriages, having a casual affair with someone may not be an issue as long as love isn’t involved.
For monogamous couples, cheating is a big deal. In fact, an online affair can be enough reason to file for divorce in most cases as long as there is enough evidence.
Your process of healing will be much faster if you give each other some time to reconsider your relationship goals and only get back together if you agree on the terms of reconnection.
Dealing with a cheating spouse can be one of the most difficult things you’ll have to do as a married person if it ever happens to you.
I’ve given you a comprehensive guide on how to handle a cheating partner and get your desired outcome.
Whether you have a cheating husband or a cheating wife, being cheated upon is a traumatic situation no matter how many years you’ve been together.
The feelings of betrayal and rejection are almost too much to bear but you can’t just overlook the act of infidelity and pretend as if everything is okay.
Use the steps outlined in this post as a guide on how to confront your cheating spouse and find a way to repair your marriage.
If you’re a Christian wife who is confused about what to do next, this article will give you a few ideas on how to deal with a cheating husband biblically.
You can also speak to your pastor or minister to give you the right steps on how to deal with a cheating husband spiritually if online resources are not sufficient.
At the end of the day, how you handle this matter is really up to you because it’s your marriage and you know what you want from it.
Marriage comes with different challenges that threaten to tear couples apart but those that survive are the ones who are willing to making it work.
If you believe there is hope for your marriage, give your spouse a second chance and work things out together by signing up for couples therapy.
But whatever you do, be careful, stay safe and do the right thing. You deserve to be happy with someone who truly values you and respects you. Don’t ever forget that!
About The Author
Jennifer Dagi is happily married to her best friend and the love of her life.
As a relationship coach, she is passionate about helping couples build healthy and happy relationships.
She strongly believes communication and intimacy are the most important ingredients for building a successful relationship.
Join her on a fabulous journey to improve your love life one step at a time and don't forget to subscribe for weekly blog updates.