The post is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.
They say opposites attract, but is that really true? It can be hard to judge whether or not you are compatible with someone you love.
What’s worse is to feel like you aren’t a match with them.
Here are a few indicators to help you judge whether or not your personality type is compatible with your spouse’s.
What Is Compatibility?
The American Psychological Association defines compatibility as “the state in which two or more people relate harmoniously because their attitudes, traits, and desires match or complement those of the other or others.”
This is all we can hope for in a partner, that our innate natures can complement each other as a match.
However, unfortunately, this may not always feel as though it is the case in your relationships. You can learn more about your personality compatibility with BetterHelp.
How You Handle Conflict
While there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong way to handle conflict, sometimes the way that we approach those difficult conversations can lead to issues in our relationship if we are not on the same page.
For example, if you are fearful of conflict, or you avoid conflict, then sometimes that can lead you to become resentful in a relationship when you never have an outlet for the way you feel.
On the flip side, if you are both quick-to-anger, then you can end up arguing perhaps more than you would like, which can also lead to issues.
Habits
You are not your habits, but they are certainly hard to break, especially if you don’t want to.
For example, a person who loves to party and drink might not be compatible with someone who loves to wake up before sunrise for a run.
That said, if both people or one person shows a genuine willingness to better themselves for their partner, then they can certainly both form the same habits and build a life together in which they are both comfortable.
Sensitivity
Some people are quite blunt, and they value honesty and openess in a relationship, even if the truth hurts.
Other people might feel put off or bothered by that honesty, especially over long periods of time.
Talk to your partner about what makes them feel criticized and how they prefer to hear feedback.
Companionship
Generally, in a relationship, you want your partner to want you around.
It is ideal for both you and your partner to desire companionship. That is, you and your partner should want each other’s company.
Of course there will be times when you want to watch your favorite television show alone, or be with your friends instead.
However, generally, when you are compatible, you should overall desire to have that other person in your life and around you.
If this factor isn’t balanced between the two parties in the relationship, it can cause a lot of pain and heart ache for one side.
It would be hurtful to know that for example, you want to be in a long term committed relationship while the other person has little to no desire to integrate you into their life.
This is one of the reasons that communication is so essential in any relationship. Without proper and frequent communication, a relationship can become hazy, ambiguous, cold, and even harmful.
Communicating your expectations, wants, concessions, and long term goals in a relationship is a key part in assessing compatibility.
This can prevent you from finding yourself in unfortunate situations such as learning your partner doesn’t want kids only after getting married, realizing that you care for your partner so much more than they care for you, or even learning that your goals in life are so far from each other that they begin to conflict.
Emotional Intensity
Ideally, in your relationship, both of you will experience similar levels of emotional intensity. It can hurt to feel more intensely about the other in a relationship.
Just as well it can feel overwhelming if someone is bursting with double the intensity and enthusiasm that you have.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be anyone’s fault however, an imbalance of emotional intensity can leave one side feeling less in return and the other feeling suffocated.
What can help is discussing how you feel and what you want so that no one is too surprised about the levels at which they care for each other.
Nurturance
Nurturance is about how both sides of a relationship nurture each other. This means showing how they care for one another.
Caring for one another can be providing emotional support, gift giving, cooking, cleaning, and more.
What’s important here is balance. If one side provides nurturing but rarely receives it, they may feel neglected, used, and underappreciated.
While it may not be intentional if one party displays less nurturance than the other, it might feel more serious for the person lacking in nurturing.
Taking the time to ensure that your partner’s nurturance is reciprocated can help keep your relationship healthy.
Try cooking dinner more, surprising them with a romantic dinner, sharing chores equally, and of course, being there for them emotionally.
Intellectualism
Intellectualism doesn’t necessarily mean that you and your partner have the exact same education.
Instead, this means that your relationship can offer you some mental stimulation, that you and your partner can communicate beyond what’s physical.
It’s important for you and your partner to be able to just talk, no texting, no funny videos, just a conversation that you can both contribute to and understand.
This becomes an important part of communication within your marriage.
You require the ability to get a point across, set boundaries, chat about current events, decide if and how to raise children – these conversations take patience, intelligence, decisiveness, and willingness to listen as well as a desire to be heard.
Intellectualism as a part of compatibility becomes an important aspect of compatibility.
Conclusions About Compatibility
It can be hard to determine your compatibility with someone. However, when the right person rolls around, you may find yourself checking off all of your compatibility boxes.
Getting to know someone in a safe, communicative environment can be what helps you uncover who they are.
Above all, finding someone who is able to maintain a healthy dynamic with you may be your number one priority.
Recommended reading:
7 Clear Signs You’re Compatible With Your Partner